Why Geese?
How/why I made geese my entire personality.
If you had told me 10 years ago that I’d have geese, I’d have thought you’d lost your damn mind, gotten me mixed up with someone else and perhaps needed to see a doctor for your hallucinations. Heck, even 5 years ago, I’d have had the same reaction. Geese were never on my radar and, if anything, were a non-thing to me primarily because I’m actually terrified of birds. Like pigeons? I don’t fuck with pigeons. Seagulls are bullshit and crows are my worst nightmare. And yet, here I am with SIX geese, arguably the most murder-y of all birds. They even made a video game about it.
So how did we get here?
A couple years ago I befriended Becca (aka Becca Grows Stuff) on Instagram. I think we connected over Pacific Northwest gardening, renovating houses that ended up being much more work than anticipated and chicken keeping. One of the coolest things about Becca is that she was a zookeeper—which means she knows a LOT of things about a LOT of different animals… specifically birds.
When our friendship moved out of the DMs to texting, she got the full chaotic Jojotastic experience. First, I regaled her with unhinged stories of life out here and whatever diabolical behavior the chickens were up to—it’s also worth noting that I had 47 chickens during that time. (A good reminder that I still need to share that story with you!) In turn, she vented about the pitfalls of homeownership while we both blamed the algorithm for never showing our posts to our followers. Ergo, lots of texts were exchanged.
But then, one day I was perusing the local Facebook groups (the poultry ones though) which is when I was magically presented with a pair of peacocks looking for a new home. And here’s the thing: peacocks are pretty damn cool, at least visually. And of course, me being me, I fully believed that they would be THE ultimate cabin life lawn ornaments. Like, could you imagine?? Coolest cabin on the internet.
Obviously I proceeded to take a screenshot and text Becca, “hey, what do you know about peacocks?”
And that’s when Becca educated me about how much peacocks suck. Allegedly, they are loud (a pro for me), will roost on my roof (also ok with that) and in the trees (not my fave) where I’ll never see them again (ok, fine that’s a big con).
Then Becca sent me a text that will live in infamy forever: you should get geese.
Well, reader, I took her seriously.
Becca proceeded to tell me that geese are loud (love), chaotic (double love) and fun in a really unhinged way (remind you of someone??). She also mentioned they are excellent guard dogs which has proven to be exceptionally true. I call them our Early Detection Alarm because they live at the top of our driveway and pop off any time someone even looks at our house funny. When they are in a full tizzy, they set off the Secondary Alert System (the wiener dogs) which activates the Tertiary Defense Protocol (Diamond and me with the shotgun). We run a tight ship.
With all of those details in place, I was sold. I proceeded to spend hours on Google and Reddit researching goose habitats, egg production and breeds. And if there’s another thing you should know about me, it’s that I will find (and hyper-fixate on) the fanciest version possible.
Enter Sebastopol geese, specifically Ryan Gosling:
HOW COULD I POSSIBLY REFUSE A GOOSE WITH CURLY FEATHERS!!!! Decision made.
After we concluded that I did, indeed, actually need geese, Becca and I talked details. I found a local Sebastopol breeder whom I met in a Jack in the Box parking lot where I exchanged $300 for two unsexed week-old Sebastopols.
They were perfect and amazing and I loved them SO MUCH for 8 weeks…
…until I had to go to the city for a conference and a coyote came and killed them. I was utterly heartbroken. I had fallen hard for them as they got bigger and started following me around the yard. I even loved their faint grassy smell. And it wasn’t just that I was crushed for myself, but because one of them was for Becca.
With that disappointment still lingering, a couple months later, Becca informed me that her friend was hatching goslings from a well-mannered pair of Pilgrim geese. It was time to get back in the saddle and try again, this time with a different breed (and without dropping $300).
There ended up being two goslings: one boy and one girl. Becca kept the girl, Lucy, who has grown into the gentlest, sweetest goose gal. Which honestly makes the most sense ever because Becca herself is gentle and sweet and just wonderful.
Meanwhile the boy gosling was alllll mine. Catch up on the story of how exactly I acquired him here.
Meet the man, the myth, the legend… Michael Phelps.
Mr. Phelps is the embodiment of chaos. It truly is Mikey’s world, we’re just living in it. And to him, I am wife/mother and he’s got big feelings towards me because of it. Michael is the spiciest of geese, even in the off-season of mating.
This one time, Michael literally levitated because he was so outraged at me for reasons still unknown. Sensing my impending doom, I yelped MIKEY NOOOOOOOOO and (in what felt like slow-motion) turned my back to him and covered my head. A lot of honking and flapping ensued while, I swear to god, he levitated off the ground to my shoulder level and tore the back of my jacket with his serrated beak. Michael is not a bird bred to fly!!!!!!! But that day, he soared.
That is Michael in a nutshell.
Ryan came next, specifically to satisfy my need for fanciness. And for a full year, I only had the two ganders with the understanding that, at some point, I’d get some females.
The following spring Becca attained some fertilized pilgrim eggs and hatched them. These were not the well-bred, gorgeous cousins of Lucy and Michael. They were… backyard pilgrims, the Spokane special. And after having hatched and lived with them for a little bit, they weren’t exactly the right vibe for Becca’s Idyllic Farm of Only Nice Animals™️ (it’s actually called Forrest Farm and if you’re in the Spokane area, I encourage you to shop the farm stand!).
But you know where their brand of chaos would fit right in?? Here at Chaos Estates (working title). So that’s when the two goose gals joined our flock, to Mikey’s delight.
Introducing Denise (left) and Not Denise (right)—yup, that’s her name.
The story goes like this: they were so obnoxious that Becca decided to give them names she thought were equally obnoxious. One was Denise, but the other I could not remember for the life of me when I got them both home. So she became Not Denise. Together, they are The Denises.
And these hellions are legitimately wild. They are not friendly in any way, shape or form. Every time I pick one up, it’s a major feat. They keep their distance and that’s fine. And they’ve never ever bitten me, so The Denises are cool in my book (and actually Not Denise is a fairly good mother.)
In case you’re wondering, I can tell the difference between the two because Denise has a neon green zip tie anklet.
Last spring, after waiting another year, I finally tried my hand at hatching goslings—which is not especially easy as I came to find out! First we tried the au naturale method, but Not Denise left the nest right before they were due to hatch and they got too cold. Then I tried putting them under a broody chicken which didn’t work out either, again in the last week and for the same reason.
In a last ditch effort, I impulse bought a 20+ year old brooder off FB Marketplace for $25 (the seller had peacocks btw!!!!!!!) and put the last 5 eggs of the season in it. Like literally, I found some eggs in the goose coop, found the brooder on FB Marketplace while standing in the goose coop, got in the car, retrieved the incubator and sent up the eggs—all within an hour and without consulting with Sean. I’m not even sure I locked the front door before I left.
For 28 days, I maintained a strict thrice-daily egg turning, temperature adjusting and misting routine. There was a chart on the wall and everything. Apparently hatching geese is difficult—and I had never hatched anything before in my life. Totally in character for me to start at expert level.
Three of the eggs stopped developing along the way, so I removed them before they could explode (apparently that’s a thing). Which left me with two perfect goslings hatching in the incubator—or as I like to say, I literally gave birth to them on my kitchen counter. They emerged over the course of 20ish hours while I obsessively monitored them (bombarding Becca with texts the whole time).
I hit the jackpot, hatching one boy and one girl. This was especially important to maintain the gender balance within my flock.
Fun fact: pilgrim geese are auto-sexing which means you can tell their gender right away based on the color of their beaks. The lighter pink is the boy and the darker color is the girl.
I’m crying as I write this because witnessing them hatch is truly one of the most special moments of my life, one that’s incredibly hard to put into words. At the risk of sounding hyperbolic, all of my happiness was tied up in them hatching successfully and then proceeding to live. They came at a time in my life when I desperately needed some joy and wonder and magic. To say that they provided that would be an understatement. Their existence was a bright spot when I was so deeply mired in depression, the tiniest pinprick of light to illuminate the deep dark hole I was in. I don’t know how else to explain it.
After they hatched, I spent hours every day with them to encourage imprinting and to selfishly boost my serotonin levels. While I worked, they slept in my hoodie pocket. If I was in the garden, they followed me around, gorging themselves on cabbage. I taught them to swim and encouraged their affinity for kale. We took naps together and I washed countless towels that they pooped all over.
I bonded hard.
It took me a while to name them. Eventually, the boy was named Gustavo and here’s where I’m a bit ashamed… I have not named the girl yet. Truth be told, there’s a name I want to use for personal reasons, but Sean is completely against it and I’m not a totally bitch, so we still just call her Baby Goose Gal. Sometimes I joke that she should be Denise, Too or Also Denise or even Still Not Denise, but given how chill she is, I don’t think it’s right to lump her in with them. She deserves her own name and hopefully one day a different option will feel right.
Eventually, I introduced them to their parents (Michael and one of the Denises) which actually was a bit heartbreaking. I hated letting them go and giving them over to the chaos monsters when I had bonded so closely with them. I was obsessively concerned they’d become angry and then I’d have six 18-pound rage creatures trying to kill me just for feeding them and refilling their pool.
I’m thrilled to report that they remain sweet and not at all murder-y. They are standoffish though, something I chalk up to their parents trying to turn them against me. But here’s the thing: the imprinting worked! They will still come eat kale out of my hands, but only if the adults are away (otherwise Michael will barge in to eat my hand and then all the kale when I drop it as I run for my life). Neither has ever bitten me and I actually don’t think they ever will.
I still wish they came up to me and asked to sit in my lap for naps though.
Which brings me back to our original question: why geese? Maybe I’ve answered that for you today, maybe not. But from where I stand today, I can’t picture a life without them in it. Even on the days when I have to run for my life after Mikey and Ryan trap me in the greenhouse, they still make me laugh so hard. Their massive eggs are my favorite for their light flavor and fluffiness. Plus, it’s always a fun surprise to find that first egg of the season.
Geese are a very specific brand of chaos—and I guess Becca deserves some kind of marketing award because I am fully influenced.
Great story
I mean, why not geese?